Maybe it is time to give up and start anew.
Maybe you need a Brain Transplant by Estatis Inc.
Estatis Inc. is committed to providing the freshest and finest human brains of the best possible quality. Our brains are grown in several high-tech breeding facilities installed in well-chosen countries so as to guarantee that applicable ethics legislation is always respected. Our production process, an Estatis Inc. trade secret, produces young and plastic brains of unprecedented reliability that are ready for transplantation.
To make the transition as smooth as possible, we offer the possibility to preload your new Estatis Inc. brain with all the important information about your life, so that you are ready to get started right after switching. You can provide details of your personal life to Estatis Inc., such as the name, faces, and main characteristics of people in your social network, details about your job, hobbies, culture, beliefs, basic facts about your life, confidential information, passwords, etc. This information will be preloaded in your very own Estatis Inc. brain using our proprietary conditioning technology.
Estatis Inc. respects your privacy and will not make any unwarranted use of the personal information you provide about your life, except to allow its privileged trade partners to inform you about special offers that you may find of interest, or whenever Estatis Inc. has a good-faith belief that using this information may be beneficial to its purposes.
How exactly is your life improved after an Estatis Inc. Brain Transplant? Check out the following testimonies!
My husband John used to have a bad habit of slouching in front of the TV for hours rather than getting work done or enjoying time with me or with the kids. This tendency also made him very dissatisfied with himself, so he decided to try out Estatis Inc. Brain Transplant. During the first few days, John felt a bit lost, he had trouble recognizing people and needed time to adjust. However, he was soon able to resume his job at the consulting firm, and the long-term results of the therapy have been outstanding. I really feel like I am married to a new, better person.
Michael C. has always had some trouble with punctuality, reliability, and focus at work. As his manager, I was extremely concerned about his performance, so I insisted that he apply to your Estatis Inc. Brain Transplant program. We overcame his initial reluctance, offered him privileged training to bring him back to speed, and I am happy to say that Michael C. is now an extremely hard-working, efficient and valued member of our company, culminating in him earning the Employee of the Month title last term. If you require background checks or NDAs from your employees, you should certainly require an Estatis Inc. Brain Transplant instead.
Still unsure? Compare the following self-assessment by our customer Alex B., both before and after receiving an Estatis Inc. Brain Transplant. Can you spot the difference?
I often feel like I'm out of touch with the world around me and not living it to the fullest... self-consciousness and regrets always catch up with me, and true happiness only comes following irregular, unpredictable patterns. I procrastinate and lose faith quickly in what I do, and I never invest sufficient time in what really matters. I am still anxious about my main purpose in life, and about my relationship with people around me. I hope I will be more productive after an Estatis Inc. Brain Transplant.
My name is Alex B. I drink tea and black coffee. I am a happy member of society. I will maintain ties of various adequate natures with my fellow citizens. I will invest all my time and energy towards my main purpose. I am entirely devoted to personal achievement and to the good of mankind. I will strive to live the perfect life. I have unbounded trust in my intellectual capacities. I have at last achieved complete peace of mind. Undergoing an Estatis Inc. Brain Transplant was the best decision of my life.
We are committed to making every single Estatis Inc. Brain Transplant a painless, personalized, humane and enjoyable process. Our helpful Estatis Inc. support staff (assisted by automated agents) will remain at your disposal to help you choose what is best for you and prepare the informations that you wish to preload in your new brain. We have a wide range of brain models with various IQs, emotional patterns, and several pricing plans depending on the quantity of information that you wish to transfer and on the number of warranty years that you require. For a personalized quote, please contact an Estatis Inc. sales representative.
In addition to providing you with a new brain, Estatis Inc. retrieves your old brain so that it can be disposed of in an environmentally safe and secure manner.
We may extract information from your brain or use it as a machine learning module (details are classified) for a certain duration. We require that you sign a release form entrusting us with all applicable intellectual property rights over the contents of your brain and the data that it may produce after extraction, as well as releasing us from any ethical obligations or possible subjective consequences arising from our further use of your former brain.
All of the atoms in your body are recycled more than a hundred times per day, so that, in fact, you do not remain the same person over time, even in the normal course of things. We believe that changing part of your body, like you would cut your hair or your fingernails, or replace a defective organ, does not substantially change yourself as an individual, and that the true definition of personhood comes from your outside appearance, social function, and interaction with others, all of which do not depend on the internal details of your brain organ. Of course, some people with strong religious or philosophical opinions may have unusual concerns about their subjectivity, and may be unable to use Estatis Inc. Brain Transplant.
Sadly, we are unable to accept voluntary brain donations. First, we cannot ensure that they are of a quality compatible with Estatis Inc.'s stringent standards, because we do not have sufficient control on their production. Second, we cannot guarantee their age and plasticity. Third, whenever such operations where attempted, we have observed that too much of the personality of the donor survived in the donated brain, leading to a failed transplantation from the point of view of the recipient.
Estatis Inc. is the most ancient and established practitioner for the brain transplant operation. Our staff, both human and robot, has been subjected to extremely thorough training to ensure that we achieve the highest possible levels of hygiene and security; furthermore, all the independent evaluations that reviewed our medical practices have been outstandingly positive. However, because laws and mentalities are slow to change, we are not allowed to perform Brain Transplant in some jurisdictions. Depending on your place of residence, you may be required to travel to a different location to receive the operation (cost of travel is included in the pricing plan, and reimbursements can be requested from Estatis Inc. by filing the adequate claims).
Psychotherapy only attempts to fix the brain's problems in an extremely indirect way. Personal counseling and antidepressants may succeed in the most trivial cases, but it is our professional opinion that, in most cases, replacing the entire brain is a more efficient solution. Likewise, lobotomy is only a limited intervention on the brain, whose impact cannot match a complete brain replacement.
At the time of this writing, we only offer biologically produced brains that are similar in function to standard human brains. Our Estatis Inc. research labs are working hard to offer improved brains with superhuman capabilities, however we regret that we are currently not able to offer them for sale. We plan to supplement soon our Estatis Inc. produced brains with an Estatis Inc. Mood Module to monitor your overall feelings and state of mind and synchronise them in the cloud to your Estatis Inc. online personal account, with options to share your mood and experiences with your friends directly on Facebook and Twitter. Stay tuned for more information!
Customer satisfaction is Estatis Inc's main priority. For this reason, we offer a 30-day money back guarantee on all Estatis Inc. Brain Transplant interventions. Return your new brain within 30 days of purchase and receive your money back, no questions asked.
The cost of brain extraction and shipping are to be covered by the customer. We regret that, for technical reasons, we are unable to return your original brain to you when performing the refund.